Jokes

Jokes


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801 what do you call a dog with no legs Anser. a hotdog

802 Q:what do you get if you mix a cow with a camel ??? A:Lumpy milkshakes

803 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup!

804 A man and wife were eating in a very exclusive restaurant when a georgeous woman came up to the table, pur her arm around the man and gave him a kiss , and said 'I'll see you later.' The wife said 'Who is that?' to which he replied 'That's my mistress. The wife then said 'I want a divorce, because that is just too much.' He replied that it was up to her, but pointed out that there would no longer be a Lexus in the garage, shopping in Paris or skiing in Gstaad. Just then one of their friends came in to the restaurant with a georgous woman on his arm. The wife asked 'Who's that with Bob? and her husband replied 'Oh, thats his mistress.' The wife looked again and said 'Ours is prettier!'

805 An Insurance Assesor is at a wedding reception, and asks the bride; "So this is your fourth husband?", "yes, that's right", she replied. "Can I ask what happened to your first husband?". "Oh, very sad, he died quite suddenly". "Oh, I AM sorry, what happened?". "He unfortunately ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The insurance paid out, of course, but it can never really compensate". "That's terrible, what happened to the second husband?". "Another tragic case, he too, ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. The money didn't compensate for his loss". By now, the Assessor was very suspicious, and asked; "Did your third husband die from ingesting poisoned mushrooms?". "Oh no", she stated, "He died from a fractured skull!". "My word, I AM VERY sorry... How did he get that?". "Well, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms!!!!"

806 A snail is on the bar one Christmas, and asks the barman "Excuse me, can I have a pint of beer please?". The barman says "You WHAT?". "May I have a pint of beer, please?" repeats the snail. "Don't be so stupid, snails don't drink beer" snarls the bar man and sweeps the snail off the bar on to the floor. The following Christmas, in the same bar, a snail appears on the counter. The barman asks "What do you want?", whereupon the snail shouts "What did you do THAT for?" !!! (Not as good as my poisoned mushroom joke!)

807 A rabbit went into a butchers shop and said, "Got any carrots?" The butcher said, "No!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and said, "Got any carrots?" The butcher said, "No!" The rabbit went back the next day and said, "Got any carrots?" The butcher said, "No! And if you come back tomorrow and ask if I have any carrots I'll nail your ears to the ceiling!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and asked, "Got any nails?" The butcher said, "No!" The rabbit said, "In that case, have you got any carrots?"

808 What do you call an Earl who is awarded an OBE? An earlobe.

809 What was the film about referees called? A) The umpire strikes back.

810 Q. What do you call 100 penguins in TrafalgarSquare? A. Lost